The Midnight News 05.10, 04

Posted by Hyatte on 05.09.2004

The Spice is Gone, April in May, Gossip, Movies, Triple H, Movie Lines, and Advice

About last Thursday’s piece of work…

How about Teach Trishy?

Shane Mauk

Talking about anagrams.

Oh yes… and I could… teach her a thing OR two… if she’d only let me… the bitch.

I dont want to waste your time but maybe you can help me. Its been bugging me since I saw 2004 backlash. Orton/Foley hardcore match. are the tacks fake? Ortan was slammed on the tacks and they were stuck in his back before he went backstage but at the end of the match his back was not bloody? I think going backstage was part of it because there was no camera. but I really would like to know how they do that trick.

Thank you again for your column on 411 mania I always enjoy it.

A J Davis

Moriguchi, Japan

No, they are real. Real as it gets.

But the needles of your standard tack are small, so even tho’ Orton has like, NO body fat, they don’t plunge all that deep into the epidermis. Thus, they don’t necessarily draw blood. Sort of like bee stings.

But make NO mistake, that boy was HURTING… that shit is PAIN.

Are you aware that you are COMPLETELY INSANE? Please stop puking this crap on your keyboard.

Trevor Oleson

If I WAS aware of it, then chances are I wouldn’t be COMPLETELY insane. And okay, pal. You got it. After this column, I QUIT!! Congrats… YOU’VE beaten me… no one else… FINALLY, someone took the Mighty Hyatte out! Good for you! Jerk!

Do you write these articles to inform, opinionate and discuss or do you write to amuse yourself. I believe the latter. Not all wrestling fans are poor white trash marks who seem to think you have the insider edge. Oh, please stop giving that 40 year old guy who lives in his mothers basement and pretends to be Mr.McMahon. You are encouraging him. You need to focus Hyatte, your articles are getting worse and worse.The young guns on the site are writing far better articles. With all the inside jokes and political standings, you sound as lame as the folks you tear apart. One last question: do you even like wrestling or you need something to complain about? Step your game up!

Gerald James

Sure… the very minute you start PAYING ME, motherfukka!

Damn it man, There is no 'H' in WOOOOO! Flair said so.

Anyway, thanks for once again including a few sections in the report that don't focus on porn, fake wrestlers and literature.

David Creighton

I had a few sections that didn’t focus on porn, fake wrestlers, and literature? Whoops, my bad! Won’t let that happen again!

“fake wrestlers”? Isn’t that an oxymoron?

And hello my little Oxen-Sized Morons, I’m Chris and this is the Midnight News Alpha. Lots to get to, so why waste any more time? Why? WHY???

BUT, PLUGS

Want to write for 411? Then read this!

Last Thursday’s column was ALL SORTS of gangbusters!! It had a chat with “Eugene”, it had the recipe for something called “The Ass Milkshake”, it had a link to the SICKEST porn you’ve ever seen, and the REAL reason why Ric Flair wasn’t at Raw last week. Plus an AWESOME Flair quote… and a book suggestion! Plus it teased something that’s one segment down from this sentence… the beginning of the mighty Hyatte/April Hunter BLOODWAR!!! Keep reading… it gets UGLY! SOMEONE goes to school!!!

PASS THE PEPPER…. DAMMIT

This wouldn’t be much of a rasslin’; column if I didn’t acknowledge the passing of one of the greats.

The world of condiments lost a vital member last week as Pepper Gomez… wait second…

*ACHOO…

excuse me… passed on from a long illness that culminated with him being pulled off… off….

*GEEECHOOOO….

Pardon me… life support. ‘Tis a sad day for the world of seasoning everywhere. His long life partner Salt Morales is said to be in a deep state of depression.

When asked for comment, Corn Sanchez said: “I’ll miss the frisky, generous way Pepper covered me. I’ll never taste the same. For me, life will forever be a bit blander.”

Besides being a nationally treasure…. Hold on… ah…. Ah… AHH

*BLEEECHOOOOO… god…

Bless me… Pepper had a brief stint as a rap artist in the 90’s, scoring such hits with Salt and Spinderella as “Whatta Man”, “Shoop”, and “Push It”. There was a minor legal skirmish between Pepper and Salt over publishing rights to “Push It”, but… but…. Uh oh, look out…

*HAAAAAACHOOOOOOOOOO… fuck man….

*sniff… sorry…. Salt eventually won rights when Pepper failed to prove that the original lyrics was: “Push it real good, ese!”. After a weeklong break-up, the partnership was re-united by Mustard Luiz and Ketchup Rodriquez and continued without incident until his last remaining days.

Already, Salt is auditioning new seasoning partners to take the place of his long-time life-mate. Meltzer reports that Oregano Hayek and Thyme Riveria are on the short list of suitable replacements.

RIP Pepper. Without you, there would’ve only been SIX Dwarves.

AH… AHH…. *ARRRRRRSHHCHOOOOEY ARRGH!!

Christ… almost blew out my eyeballs.

APRIL SHOWERS

First of all, this isn’t personal. Anyone who read me for any length of time knows that the doings of April Hunter and her boyfriend Slyk Wagner Brown isn’t HIGH on my must talk about agenda… I simply heard from four different sources similar stories of general bits of bad behavior on thir part and decided to run with it.

Then she wrote me a letter … a letter that BEGS for a little dissection.

So, here I am… JACKED… EXCITED… over busting some balls and having some fun with poor April Hunter…

I mean, really… just a few examples of what I had planned:

b)I'm only 5'9". Not big...unless you're very small.

5’9 is big for a chick… especially one who STUFFS a LOT into that frame!

c) Wagner doesn't have blond hair any longer and hasn't in a while

Ahh, Indy life… where bleach is a LUXURY, not a necessity!

d) we do work separately. That's how I went to Japan and the WWE tryout camp?

Oh… but how AWESOME would it be if you had the nerve to demand that Slyk appears on the same WWE card as your try-out match!

f) I only just added that adendum about site members not owning photos on my site this weekend, so you must be a member? You sound a bit obsessed...it's a little worrying.

Nice try, but I got in or free… a girl wanted to see what’s what (you SHOULD be meeting her at the next USA Pro show) and promised me anal sex if I got her a pass… someone bought me one. Haven’t tapped that hole quite yet, but the girl is young and I am a patient man!

I do realize you're trying to cash in and get some publicity off our backs in a cheap way. I'm just suprised you didn't start with "What's up USA!! USA! USA! USA!"

And I do realize that you’re a bit pissed at me at the moment, so I’ll let that silly comment pass as just a bad attempt to get under my skin.

The fact is, you're writing about us; we're not writing about you. But just the same, it's nice to know you think my "pussy is normal".

Why the hell would you be writing about me? I’m sure you would have to explain to everyone who I am almost as much as I had to with YOU!

It’s not NORMAL normal… it’s an open wound, like most others

Technically, what you've written is definitely libel and slander

No, No, NO… A) It can’t be BOTH… haven’t you ever seen Spider-Man? It’s explained PERFECTLY in that flick.

And B) Wrestling is a small community… especially the Independents. Your rep is what it is and no web guy, save for Meltzer, could POSSIBLY change it. There isn’t a Booker alive who would NOT book April Hunter or her boyfriend because of what I reported last week. ESPECIALLY since you are somewhat known in the scene… thus you’re a guaranteed bigger draw than the local crew of whatever fed you’re working for.

So, I was all set to have some fun…

AND ALSO… I will point out that since last week, quite a few people have written/approached me saying that April Hunter AND Slyk Wagner Brown were absolute delights to work with and treated the fans great. No problems… it’s all about fairness with me!

Oh, it would’a been a party! Been a’while since I tore up some innocent… I’m usually reduced to picking on sheet writers and fuckin’ Scooter Keith…

Then… the damndest thing happened… she wrote to me AGAIN!!

Hey, someone sent me the link where you put up my email-and you didn't even alter it. Props to you.

Honestly, the reason I wrote it is because some days it's tough being a female in wrestling---it's still run by the guys and you really have to watch what you say and do. If someone doesn't know me, reads what you wrote and chooses to believe it, then it's pretty damaging.

I have read some of your other stuff from before...I remember you from Scoops and have laughed at your stuff, even the stuff about me. I like that you tell it like it is, straight up. Yeah, I know you wrote something about me liking the "black dick" a year or two ago.

And how do you know I'm not a raving lesbo and Slyk's just my friend, hmm? After all, I am a "big bitch"...

-a

Oh… WHAT THE CRAP!!! WHY DID SHE HAVE TO GO AND BE FRICKIN COOL????

An I KNOW it’s just a “be nice to the web writer and watch him melt like butter” move… but COME ONNNN

However, I never said “Black dick”… I said that April likes the dark meat… which, by the way, is highly fuckin’ erotic!

So I wrote her back and bitched at her for not playing by the rules and dismissing me so I’d get good and mad and lay into her… and she continued to show a good sense of humor and laugh. The FUCK… totally ruining my column here.

THEN… to make matters worse, she wrote and explained something ELSE:

HI-I wanted to explain one more thing,also--about the photo theft notice. I only just put that up because last week I had to ask 3 different sites (2 free, 1 pay) to remove my photos. They were cool about it, but...it's kinda too late after they're already up.

Here's the deal: as you probably already know, indy wrestling doesn't pay shit. If it does pay, it's basically covering the costs it took to get you to the show and back, and that's about it. I live in New England, which is where I came to get trained (Killer Kowalski's) and isn't the cheapest place to live. I travel every weekend 4-8 hours each way to NJ/Philly/DE to work because that's where most of the quality work is.

My site helps me massively with bills. Don't get me wrong, I do love doing photo shoots, and the fact that some will pay to see them is very damn cool too and I have rolled that into helping me have a career by it footing the bill so I can train and work the indies. I do have odd part time jobs on the side, but it never works out cuz most aren't cool about me jetting off to England or Japan on only a few days notice for weeks at a time. Not to mention, someone who cant work weekends.

Anyway, if people take and post the pix, it kills my site. Why buy the proverbial cow when youre getting the milk free? Since this is what supports me, I do feel strongly about it. Plus I put a lot of money into getting cool shoots and videos done for the members and dont like being ripped off. Who does, right?

So, figured I'd explain that on a 'model/indy wrestlers' end.

-a

GRRRRRRRRR!! DAMMIT!!

And even, EVEN worse… she’s making SENSE… there ISN’T any real money in the Indys… so she HAS to use whatever her assets are to supplement her income… and he hasevery right to protect those assets. Her asset happens to be her body.

In fact, the only thing I DID learn about these two is that they really do practice the “book me and you must book HIM/HER” game… but even THAT’S explained as a way to get extra gas money and such.

See, my biggest error here is that I assumed a pair of “known” indy workers like these two would get a better pay rate than locals or really unknowns… as it turns out, they get paid just as shitty as everyone else. The only REAL money-makers on the Indy scene are ex-big leaguers and old time stars like the Honky Tonk Man

Oh April… what are you DOING? You aren’t SUPPOSED to talk with us… you’re supposed to IGNORE us… pretend we don’t EXIST…. This way, idiots like me can rag and rag and rag on you all the live-long day without one ounce of guilt.

Lucky for you, you picked ME to approach… most low-budget web losers wouldn’t know WHAT to do with this and would end up making a jackass of themselves trying to look cool. Like the time Scooter posted a letter from “Trish Stratus” inviting him to chat on MSN. Oh, you should have SEEN Scott brag about catching some phony trying to “work” him…. How little he actually knew. What a fuckin’ dope move THAT turned out to be.

Anyway… thanks to Hunter being all cool… the war is over before it began. She is a marketable, talented worker who will benefit ANY show she’s booked on! Her boyfriend has skills too!

Great… thanks a bushel, April… you fucked up my column.. and my head. BAH!!

(Side note: in my response letter, I made her a deal… a lifetime of ridiculously biased column praising in exchange for two of her fingers touching my “pee pee” for no less than ten seconds… she turned me down… Ladies DON’T Love Cool Hy… alas… alas.)

She’s still a big bitch, tho’. Scary big… in a Chyna way. Nice face, tho’

HOT ASS GOSSIP

Since a little rumor spreading started up the above trouble to begin with… I might as well spread some MORE!!

Over the past few weeks I picked up some lovely little nuggets of gossip and rumors that will set your little minds ABLAZE with idol speculating!

Actually, I only have one bit of gossip… and because it’s fun to do and fun for you to figure out (won’t be that hard either) it’s a BLIND item… have a party, trying to figure out the whos and the whats…. I’ll leave nice clues:

To be perfectly candid, this skilled worker has had a dark cloud floating over his head for a few years now. But with rumors of a new life so clean it squeaks, and with a few well-regarded connections (one long-time, one more recent) high in managements ear, this hard bodied vet may very well secure a spot back in the hands of the WWE. It heklps tht Smackdown needs talent, and this too small for a heavyweight/too big for a cruiserweight might very well have the body to fit right into the Cruiserweight-and hating-it-as-a-gimmick roster. Now, what of his long-time spitfire moll? Will the sun possibly come out tomorrow? Or will she stick with her plan of flying high the safe and legal way?

And rest assured, no imposter gave me this information!

Well GEE WHIZ… can ya figure this one OUT?

I KNOW WHAT YOU WATCHED LAST WEEKEND

Included are 411 reviews (where applicable)… because the 411 Movie Zone needs some luv!:

1) Van Helsing: $54.2 million OPENING weekend. Jesus. Kate Beckinsale. If I did a new IWF 100 list, Kate Beckinsale would be in the top 10. She’s 50% Classically trained, upper class, thinks her shit smells like Heaven, prim and proper British Countess and 50% slutty hot. I look at her and want to FOUL her… and I will suspect she’d LIKE it!

Why did Van Helsing need all those weapons? Couldn’t Hugh Jackman just use his claws to pop off Frankenstein’s head? And where was Halle Berry to bring the hurricane and destroy Dracula’s castle? Too many flaws in the movie’s logic for me.

My fave part is when Frankenstein and his monster put on that vaudeville show in second act:

When you’re blue and you don’t know where to go to why don’t you go to where passion sits…

PUGGIN ON RIZZZZZZZ!!

Then Jackman laid some serious-ass kicking down! And Beckinsale heaved in her corset. Yeah, no wonder it made a bundle!

2) Mean Girls: $14 million (42.3 million total). Folks, Lindsey Lohan is here to STAY… now it’s a race between her and Hilary Duff to see which one is Britney and which one is Xtina I was convinced Mary Kate and Ashley would knock this movie off the charts… boy is MY face red!

3) Man on Fire: 7.9 million (56 million total). I saw this flick… sucked.

So last week, I asked: What kind of name is “Denzel” anyway?. Well, ABarker was quick with the answer:

Denzel is a name a black person made up because DANIEL is too much of a slave name, given to their people by the white devil...

So there you go… it also explains the name of Denzel’s co-star, DAKOTA Fanning quite nicely too! Damn white man… White man IS the Devil and THE COMPUTER IS HIS TOOL!!!... it’s a’ight tho’… me, Denzel, AND Dakota are onto ALL OF YOU!!

4) New York Minute: 6.2 million opening weekend. BACK TO STRAIGHT TO VIDEO HELL FOR YA’ GIRLS!!!!

Yeah, don’t cry TOO loud… both of them together have about a BILLION in the bank.

5) 13 Going On 30: $5.5 million ($42.5 million total) A solid hit. OOOOh that sound you hear is ABC Execs MOANING… because Jennifer Garner suddenly has one HELL of a bargaining chip come contract re-negotiation time!

In other movie news: Scooby Doo 2 has quietly earned about 80 million in a month. Frightening.

In REALITY TV NEWS… Amber won Survivor… Bahston Rahb came in second… which means that he was played LIKE A FUCKING BITCH by a chick who, from what the show’s editing tells us, did NOTHING for 42 days! She let Rahb do ALL the moving, ALL the shaking, and make ALL the enemies… and like a fucking TOOL, he let it happen. This is NOT a genius, people… this is a typical Italian New Englandah who was lucky enough to have MORONS playing against him.

If Jenna Morosco stuck around, this game would’ve ended a WHOLE lot differently!

TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN YOU

If this segment seems longer to you, it’s because, well… it is.

First, someone wanted to share an observation about Mr. Helmsley that I’d like to share:

Chris, Is it me, or is Triple H more pale and doughy now? Granted, I don't catch WWE TV as often now as I used to, but I seem to remember him being a lot more tan and buffed. I think lots of guys let themselves go after they get married, and he's not in Kirstie Allie territory or anything, but still...

Maybe I just haven't looked in the right columns, but I haven't seen anyone in the usually pretty harsh IWC give him grief for this.

Thanks,

Des

Actually Des, people have noticed that Hunter has sort of bulked DOWN as of late, relatively speaking. Compare him to how he looked right after coming back from his quad injury.

What’s REALLY changed about Hunter is that his hair has, more times than not, looked like an uncombed rat’s nest! LIKE HIS WIFE!! He has also shortened his hair, which brings out a puffier look to his face.

And, okay… he can use a few extra sessions in the tanning booth.

I think the guy, since officially joining the family and becoming more hands-on in the productive end of the company, has found himself with less time on his hands than usual. So instead of burning all the fuel he’s eating in work-outs, he’s storing it.

Gah… suddenly, I feel like I’m running a fan site.

Second, PLEASE STOP SENDING IN “TRIPLE H IS BETTER THAN ME…” SUGGESTIONS!! If you bothered to READ last week’s fucking column, you would’ve seen quite clearly that I said this bit was OVER. I don’t NEED your suggestions here… I can come up with PLENTY of my own, thank you very fucking much!

That said, I received the following suggestion that was so amusing, I HAVE to put it in…

Triple H is better than me because…

he only pretends to make sweet love to corpses

Thanks dude… now everyone STOP

And now…

I, for one, am so sick and tired of HHH bashing that I have decided on this, a brand new, ongoing gimmick.

Every week, I shall list one good thing Triple H has done that makes him a much better person than YOU, John Q. Headupyerownass, who has never done anything for anyone… and probably never WILL!!

Triple H Is Better Than You Because…

One week you hate his balls, the next week you think he’s the shits. The funny thing is, you think he REALLY gives a crap WHAT you morons think? Get REAL, losers!

GO AHEAD… MAKE MY… MY…. DONUTS? UHH… TAX RETURNS? HELLO? SOMEONE HELP ME…LINE!!!?

I can never have too many of these, and the well is always threatening to run dry.

Even though I am LOADED UP with lines from the Man, how about we give Gene “THE FUCK” Hackman a break this week. Oh, don’t worry, because filling in for The Fuck is some lines from such other “The Fucks” as Al “The Fuck” Pacino, Paul “The FUCK” Newman, and… hmm, let me see… oh yes… a little slice of Method acting heaven known as MATTHEW “THE FUCK” BRODERICK!!!! That’s right, cowboy!

So, let’s do a whacky bookend thing… we open with what might be one of the CHEESIEST “inspirational”speeches EVER to make the audience pop and close with one of THE bad assiest fuck-you speeches EVER recorded on film! And in between I stuffed a whole lot of other great lines that’ll put a smile on your face. Have a blast!

1) Good morning. In less than one hour planes from here and all around the world will launch the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind... Mankind. The word has new meaning for all of us now. We are reminded not of our petty differences but of our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today, July the Fourth, we will once again fight for our freedom. Not from tyranny, persecution or oppression. But from annihilation. We're fighting for our right to live, to exist. From this day on, the Fourth day of July will no longer be remembered as an American holiday but as the day that all of mankind declared in ONE VOICE WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT. WE WILL NOT VANISH WITHOUT A FIGHT!! WE ARE GOING TO LIVE. WE ARE GOING TO SURVIVE! TODAY… WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!- Independence Day

2) You know, your son looks like a fag to me.

I beg your pardon?

You better get re-married soon, or he is going to have a cock in his mouth faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

How dare you!- Slap Shot

3) Paul, what is your favorite fruit?

Apples.

Great. Now say that everyday you had an apple. An apple, an apple and more apples. You probably thought that apples were pretty good. Even if you got a rotten one once in a while. Then one day there was an orange. Now do you want an apple or do you want an orange? That's democracy.

I also like bananas.

Exactly.- Election

4) You know what we need? Some rope.

What are you, insane?

No, I'm serious. Charlie Bronson's always got a rope. In the movies, they've always got rope and they always end up using it.

That's stupid. Name one fucking thing you're gonna need a rope for.

It's not what they need it for, they just always need it.

What's this "they" shit? This isn't a movie.

(He picks up a huge commando knife)

Oh, is that right, Rambo?

All right, get your stupid fucking rope.- Boondock Saints

5) You've seen a general inspecting troops before haven't you? Just walk slow, act dumb and look stupid!- The Dirty Dozen

6) It was Keyser Soze, Agent Kujan, the devil himself! How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?- The Usual Suspects

7) What’s he doing?

He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman Theory: No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.

That's his thesis?

Yes! That’s the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Gameboy if you know how to bullshit.- PCU

08) You stupid fucking cunt. You, Williamson...I'm talking to you, shithead...You just cost me six thousand dollars. Six thousand dollars. And one Cadillac. That's right. What are you going to do about it? What are you goin to do about it, asshole. You fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade. You stupid fucking cunt. You idiot. Whoever told you you could work with men? Ohhh I'm going to have your job, shithead. I'm going downtown and talk to Mitch and Murrray, and I'm going to Lemkin. I don't care whose nephew you are, who you know, whose dick you're sucking on. You're going out, I swear to you, you're going...

Hey, fella, let's get this done...

Anyone in this office lives on their wits... (to waiting police detective) I'm going to be with you in a second.

(Pause, then back to Williamson)

What you're hired for is to help us--does that seem clear to you? To help us. Not to fuck us up...to help men who are going out there to try to earn a living. You fairy. You company man...I'll tell you something else. I hope you knocked the joint off, I can tell friend here something might help him catch you. You want to learn the first rule you'd know if you ever spent a day in your life...you never open your mouth till you know what the shot is.

(STRONG pause)

You fucking child...- Glengarry Glen Ross

“You fucking child”…. Nothing will de-ball a man more than being called that by one of his underlings.

You HAVE seen Glengarry Glen Ross before, right? You better have! No excuses… even SCOOTER did one of his homo “rants” about it, I think… and he… oh nevermind.

Let’s close things up with some advice stuff. I think it’s better for all that I stick these at the bottom… so you precious few imbeciles who think you know even a SMIDGE more than me can log away now without worrying about missing anything good.

Besides, I never get single sentence advice questions… I get the long histories that look awkward just jammed up in the middle of the column… so Guide to Life will be the permanent anchor to the Sunday column and everyone’s happy!

HYATTE’S GUIDE TO LIFE

I’d prefer to keep these down to two or three questions a week, but when I get a big stockpile, I feel guilty about making guys wait for weeks, especially when no one REALLY comes looking for advice on something that’s “down the road”. Usually, they need advice now!

So I have five big questions here, most of them a couple of weeks old, so they deserve first dibs. And believe it or not, some of them have NOTHING to do with scoring babes!! Really!!

1: All right, I got a question for you that's NOT in any way, shape, or form related to dating girls. (not that you weren't a huge help last time with that topic, thanks)

Spring is here, and that marks a special time for those of us up here in the great North of Milwaukee. The snow is finally melting, the birds are back, and all the ladies at the office are knocked up and are gonna pop soon. (think back- nine months ago the weather was just starting to get so called that all these people had nothing better to do than sit at home and have sex.)

There's somewhere in the neighborhood of three dozen women at my office who will give birth sometime in the next 6 to 8 weeks.

The estrogen in the air is palpable, and with it come some heavy, heavy mood swings. Some of these women are starting to scare the piss out of me- happy one minute, then weepy, then glaring at me because i'm a man and one of "my kind" did this to her... I dunno how much more I can take.

So my question is this- How can I deal with all these women for the next six to eight weeks in a way that won't make alienate me or make them think i'll do anything but take off running as fast as i can the second i hear "My water broke"

Help a brother out, man, i wanna make it through the summer with my balls intact.

Thanks,

Ken

Be a scientist, Ken. Watch these girls behave and learn from it. Experiment with them, say different things to them and gauge their reactions during this estrogen-infested period of their lives. You are in a place with a crowd of females at their craziest, Master the art of controlling them while their central nervous system is all kablooie and you will become the Grandmaster MC of dealing with the female species at any time! It a unique, one in a lifetime opportunity in studying female behavior at it’s worst/most glorious and, if you are observant enough, it can get you very far in life. Woman ARE, of course, the dominant species… they just don’t have the confidence to do anything about it!

In short, if you become an expert in dealing with a pregnant woman, an expert in knowing exactly how to treat her, you will become the ultimate ladies man. The ultimate puppet master!

And they’ll love you for it!

2: Hey Hyatte, I have been having girl problems lately and I was reading your column. I thought, "Who better to ask for help than someone I don't even know?" Anyway, the problem is, there is this girl "Kelly". I have completely fallen for her. I can't stop thinking about her and all those telltale signs. The only problem is, me and her are just friends as of right now. Is there any way to bridge that gap? If so, is it even worth it to risk a relationship and if that doesn't work out possibly lose the friendship? Or should I just give up on her as hard as that will be? Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your thoughts!

-Andrew

I suggest you UNfall in love with her FAST. The odds are totally stacked AGAINST you here. She’ll never agree to fuck you or start a relationship with you…. EVER.

I already told you, and everyone reading, how to get over a girl right here, either last week or the week before (time and space and a lot of both), so I won’t repeat myself.

Now, take a few weeks to digest this, she’ll never go with you… I know women, they usually decide whether someone is fuckable within the first 5 minutes of knowing them.. and they don’t keep it a mystery… if a chick is interested in you, she’ll start and carry on a conversation with you… if she isn’t interested, she won’t carry on a conversation… it’s easy.

Now, if a girl considers you a FRIEND, then she’ll talk to you, but it’ll be different. She’ll see you as harmless and treat yu like a girlfriend… she’ll talk to yu about other boys and how her day is like and all the dragon’s she has slain that day. If sexual innuendo isn’t introduced into the relationship early and often, then the you enter the platonic fiend zone and there is NO getting out of it… sorry.

The only sure-fire way to stay out of the friend zone with these girls is to flirt, always and often… you have to keep reminding you that you have a penis and you aren’t afraid to use it on her.

Anyway, why do you want to be friends with her anyway, ya’ bloody goof? Is she REALLY that fascinating? Is what she has to say REALLY that awesome and educational?

I’ve been where you are (more times than I want to count), so I sympathize. Here’s the ONLY plan of action I would take, it’s your best, probably ONLY chance at her… ready?

Go away… if she misses you, she’ll come after you. She’ll call you once. Ignore it. She might call you twice. Ignore it twice. If she calls you three times (letting a fw weeks pass between calls), then pick up the phone and say: “Look, honey, here’s the deal… and spill your guts about how you feel. Chances are, she’ll explain how it sucks to be you with these feelings and gently let you down. There is that SLIGHT chance she’ll say “God, I feel the same way”, but the odds are against this. Then you two will quietly go your separate ways… it’s the most painless way I can think of for you to get out of this with your heart only slightly hurt.

If you keep being her best friend, you will end up badly hurt… and you WILL make a fool out of yourself when you decide you can’t take it anymore and blurt out your feelings out of nowhere… you’ll end up hating her for rejecting you too.

3: Hyatte, I'm worried about my girlfriend's younger sister. She's a senior in high school this year and has been stuck with a guy that treats her like shit for about a year or so off and on. I say 'stuck' because her HS class is tiny (6 people) and she doesn't want to break it off with this guy because she's afraid her class will turn their collective back on her and she'll be all alone for the remainder of the year. I've tried explaining to her that high school doesn't account for anything when you're all done and go to college, etc. but, like all high school girls, she doesn't believe that. Compounding the problem is the fact that said jackass guy will be attending the same college she plans on going to. My girlfriend and my main concern is that next year will just be a repeat of high school: catering to this guy's every whim and not doing any of the things you *should* be doing at school (ie. having fun). They don't really have a relationship judging by what she talks to me about and what I've observed. Basically, they have a friends with benefits arrangement (which pains me to hear since she has alot going for her and the last thing she needs is to get knocked up or catch something) and she isn't allowed to tell anybody about their relationship. This is mostly due to the fact he still wants to fuck his ex-girlfriend and anyone else he can talk into bedding. The only time he acknowledges her is when he calls her to come over for "service". She realizes that she's being walked all over but is so worried about alienating herself from her classmates and other girls in her school that think she's "sooo lucky" that she doesn't do anything about the situation she's in. So my question is, should I drive home and shoot this kid in the base of the brainstem or is there any advice you can offer her?

Thanks for listening,

Paul

Oh Paul, you noble, noble soul.

The girl has GOT to learn on her own. She won’t listen to a THING you say.

You’ll have to just go Sonny Corleone on the boy, tune him up fiercely, and tell him: “More is coming if you don’t dump this girl, NOW!”. Talking to the sister is pointless… BEYOND pointless… you’ll have to solve this by going after the source of her problems.

I don’t really condone violence like this, and no matter how you slice it, the little small fry is going to get hurt… but it’s the difference between getting hurt now and getting hurt with a surprise I her oven… or a sore on her lip.

Actually, I’d just mind my own business if I were you, but if you REALLY want to deal with this, kick some ass, Guinea-style

4: Hi, here is my problem: On the first day of class there is a lot of 'get to know each other' activities. One was that we had to tell the others one thing we liked doing. But, I was talking to my friend when it was my turn, so I was very rushed and out of nowhere I just said I liked writing. I dont know why I said it cos ive never written anything.

After class, the hottest girl at school (Jessica) who's never talked to me before ran up and grabbed me and was all like, "Wow sweetie! I never knew you were a writer! Why didn't you tell me!" Then she revealed that she would like me to write a book about her. I asked her what would happen in the book and she said- "Oh, you know, just about me and my life!" You know this type of girl, the really hot kind who thinks that waking up, eating cereal and driving to school is the most interesting thing in the world just cos its them doing it. But I thought I could get something out of it, and since the book was only imaginery, I agreed it was a good idea.

This worked out good. She really liked me for a while, we hung out at school and even out of school we went to the movies and I made sure we would go places where all my scumhead friends and family would see.

I also lied very well. Most of the time I said "the book is great, I wrote 40 pages last night" but sometimes I would mix it up. Like I'd get a terrible look of pain on my face and say "I tried to write all last night.. but I just couldnt get anything!" Then Jessica would grab my arm and say, "you need to keep going, sweetie."

But things started to go bad. I went to a party with her and met her out of school friends, and they are really terrible. One guy there showed me his collection of these giant knives and these spear things that he uses for fishing. And they fucking hated me. She told them I was writing a book about her and they thought it was the lamest thing ever. Their aggression to me was unbelievable. If not for Jessica I think they would have just stabbed me to death. A lot of them are also really big guys, I mean fat as well as muscle, they don't go to school or work or anything but they sell drugs.

Now I have a problem. I was going to keep stringing her along and then reveal there was no book. But now... when she finds out, she'll be mad as hell and tell these psycho, jobless, gang member friends of hers what I did and I'm sure they will kill me.

She's asking me everyday now "is the book ready sweetie?" and getting very impatient. I have told her that its 95% finished. I even tried to actually write the book, but that didnt work

The more I think about it the more I hate that shallow bitch. Everything in her life is so perfect Chris, you wouldn't believe it. Why should she have her own book anyway? If her friends come after me I want to run her down and then off myself.

Help!

HA!! This may be the funniest shit I’ve ever read! This IS a book! A Book with MOVIE written all over it!

Tell her your computer crashed and all the book has vanished. Shit, tell her you caught one of these deadly fucking viruses that are running completely wild these days and everything’s gone. It happens to the best of us. It’s why most big time authors write the first drafts of their books in longhand first, so if they lose their second drafts, their covered! If she wants you to write it again, tell her that your time will cost her money… what kind of bitch are you? Why work for free?? Only web guys do that!

And buy a baseball bat. I SINCERELY doubt the fat, jobless gangstas will actually go after you, (they’ll probably be happy that you’re not around anymore), but if they do, no court in the world will throw you in jail for defending yourself against a pack of bullies. One swing with the bat and most of these kids will run like bitches. One Barry Bonds-like swing to their arm will change their minds about toughness. Only in the movies do they stay and fight.

Or, if you want to be mean, tell all your friends about how you played this dumb bitch like a friggin fiddle! You’ll be a hero!

Oh, and if you do want to be a writer, this whole story will make a GREAT book… for real… and keep the proceeds for yourself!

HUGE, A+ PROPS for keeping this scam going for as long as you did, yo! Well done!

5: Hyatte, You seem to be the expert on these things, so I thought I would give it a try.

This girl and I have been getting really close over the last 3 years, in spite of many differences in political and personal beliefs. We occassionally get into heated arguments over these differences, as she is quite the devout republican, and I am leaning more towards the "bleeding heart liberal" side. Usually these conversations end with me proclaiming, "I'm moving to Canada." Now, I'm wondering: Do you think this is a good idea? On the surface, it seems like a good idea. But I get this suspicion that if I moved to Canada, I would meet just as many ignorant people there as I do in America, and my ideal image of Canada would be forever corrupted. Am I right?

Oh wait... You're not that guy who does the "rants" and gives all the matches star ratings, are you? The canadian guy? I'm sorry, I must be mistaken.

I guess I could still ask you though: Should I move to Canada?

Thanks,

-Chris

Heh… that’s a funny swerve. Hee hee.

Why move to Canada? Most of their top stars move HERE!

Well, there IS free medical coverage for everyone… but who’s to say that applies to Immigrants? Might just be a homegrown Canuck thing.

No matter where you go, you’ll be surrounded by ignorant people… in Canada, they’ll just say “eh” and call you a “hoser” a lot.

The beer is better up North, but that’s because Canadians need to drink to forget that they aren’t America.

It’s cold too, colder than a motherfucker!

In America, Trish Stratus is a WWE Diva/Wrestling Superstar/Internet Geek Wet Dream… in Toronto, every time she leaves the house she gets press coverage. Take that for what it’s worth… can you accept that?

Scott Keith lives in Canada… seems a proper fit too. Can you handle that?

No blacks in Canada from what Canadians tell me. Whether that’s a pro or a con is up to you.

Dude… stay here. Get real.

I want more and more questions… you bastards… I’ll answer EVERYTHING and… and… and YOU WILL LEARN AT MY FEET!!

Actually, I’ve got enough for the time being. Enough for the next two or three columns. Be patience guys, I’ll answer all of them.

Anyway, this Thursday, among other things: STUFF… Wrestling quotes!... Diet tips!... Vince McMahon WILL BE THERE with REAL commentary!… umm other stuff… oh, and something AWESOME… someone makes his MIGHTY return with a brand new set!!

Need more enticing? Okay…

This Thursday… the return of Hal Jotsky!

Oh yes!

Then… I’m taking next week off… cuz I ain’t watching the Smackdown PPV and you can’t make me… deal with it!

JUST DEAL!!

This is Hyatte